don't get all twisted up about it
we've all been sick in each other's presence before
you just gotta take care of yourself
why are you so miserable
you're a beautiful creature
- ims, names deleted, of course
stuff like this sticks with me and makes me think. i rarely write retrospectives anymore; in part because picking up & moving on helps me stay in touch w/ the day-to-day. but there have been things that have been hanging onto me like leeches, and i can't get them to let go. and like leeches, i didn't really even know that they were there to begin with.
"i might take you up on that, if i didn't find you so disgusting"
another, and another; one after the other they pile atop themselves, heaping themselves up, climbing towards the sun, reaching in a desperate bid to snuff it out and all the while crushing me beneath their weight. the medicine helps. but there's a new ache, one that doesn't go away, one that likes to strike when my guard is down, when it can do the most damage.
barbs in quote form stick with a person. it took me so long to get past "nothing will ever be the same". . .
i guess i realized today that it takes a lot of bravery to write and look back. sentiment is usually set aside for a reason; you can't carry that much weight & stay above it all. but if you drown in it, what then? do you become some sort of crazed poet? do you reach enlightenment? or do you just. . . lose it, and become some 40 year old deadbeat living with mum & da and watching everything that ever mattered to you slowly fade away, until it finally falls apart.
i don't really see the point, looking at it that way. in retrospect, i spend so much time damning myself.
i hope that one day i don't worry about what my actions might do. i hope one day i can just live, and enjoy myself, and know that i'm good enough. i hope that one day i don't look in the mirror, cry and tell myself that it's ok to feel that way - it'll just motivate me to make myself better and stronger. i hope that one day i don't wonder about the boy i was, and the man i've turned into; i hope i don't wind up wondering where all that emotion went, all that emotion that lifted me aloft & plunged me into hell and made everything seem so full, rich, alive. . .
i think that most people my age still feel that. it's why they sleep around, and joke around, and act childish. they can still feel and soar. i just want validation.
i almost wish i could wish all that was before away, wash myself clean, pick my innocence back up and carry on. . . that's the funny thing about innocence. you never realize what you've lost til it's gone, & once it is, there's no way you can get it back.
i'm not even really certain that that word is all that applicable. but whatever.
i'm going to try to actually write in this thing - not little notes about how life sucks, because, as a friend has so poignantly pointed out, that's just . . . not dignified.
that said, a few updates:
i've lost all of the info i had on my comp when it crashed. not sure whether or not i should even try to account for all that's missing - it won't bring it back anyway. at least the thing's up & running again.
the whole computer fiasco has made me really aware of just how reliant we are on technology. it's a wonder people haven't turned to emp's instead of regular bombs in iraq. seriously - that's why there was all that fuss when china tested their satellite destroying missle: every aspect of our lives is dependant on technology, to an extent. the oil industry has figured out how to use this against us. imagine if the electrical industry did the same! there's some comfort in knowing that there are certain societies moving towards a freedom of technological access - places in europe & the few cities in the states that are planning wide-scale wireless internet access - as well as political leaders backing the idea of such a system [namely obama].
cnn says obama & clinton are neck & neck w/ black democrats; i really hope he pulls it off, because if clinton wins, we are all surely facing the peril that will follow. she's not a leader. she wants to be, and pretends to be, but pretending isn't being.
isn't it funny how when things are going really well something really bad has to happen to level you out?
after posting that last entry, i went to theatre history, and found out that my grade so far is a 67/130. there are 350 points total in the class, which means that if i make a 100 on everything else, i can get an 82, tops.
so i'm probably looking at a D or a C here. great. so much for making the dean's list without trying.
my 22 has been absolutely wonderful.
from a late-night campfire party to a wonderful afternoon lounging . . .
i just wanted to write a little note to myself so that I would always remember :)
things are going ok; i don't think i got my internship. on the other hand, my boss seems to be training me to have a shot at her job, which is pretty nifty. the show's about to open; afterwards there are about 5 really good audition opportunities lined up; and i'll have some nights free again, which will be a welcome change. niisi & i are doing great; val's play was a wonderful success; and i officially only have two more months in this godforsaken hell of an apartment.
i'm sure a substantial entry is to come. til then, a few more notes:
i'm thinking of quitting RS.
i've started playing marcoland [www.tiipsi.com]
and . . . i'm still writing.
i need to finish my application to williamstown b4 i give up on this internship thing.
i guess that's all for now!
Technology should free us.
Seriously. But with me it just seems to be tying me down. I now have nearly all the tools I need to do anything that I want - I have a great camera, and a computer that's still moderately functional, and an ipod and enough memory to support a battleship, and yet instead of writing and making movies and taking pictures and becoming one of those wonderful world-to-net go-betweens who's making internet 2.0 what it is, I . . . play online games. And watch porn. And honestly, that's about it.
I'm pissed; I have two plays that remain half-written, and plenty of pictures and stuff to organize, and I'm really passionate about all these things.
Maybe publicly humiliating myself by spouting my frustration with self-defeat will help. oy.
that was what i said when i realized that time had bit me in the ass.
so this next week i have school, work, and the show, just about every night, plus an abstract to write, and a nutrition project which is worth a ton of my grade that i don't have the software to do. all that is excluding the other two things that i have to do - apply to laMama and to apply to williamstown theatre festival. oh, and my landlady is in fact psychotic. hooray.
DAMNIT! i said. then i chased time off with a pickaxe. or i tried to, anyway.
the last few days were kinda hellish - i went to work on saturday, worked for 8 hours & change, closed the store, came back at 7:45, and worked another 8 hrs. plus, despite getting a ton of red cards, thereby securing my hold on my pathetic job, which i'm not even sure if i want to keep, i couldn't get the letters i needed to win the credit game.
my last and final problem - my ipod is lagging a little. only when i'm playing songs and browsing through my library at the same time. someone please tell me if this is normal.
i find myself wondering more and more
if there were a voiceover to my life, what would it be saying? what wisdom is whispered just beyond my ears, what knowledge does that future self hold? i feel as though my life is a story, and i'm on the verge of a new chapter, just having begun. . . having turned the page.
i am full of so many emotions. i feel hope. i feel hope as a young man feels it, as a young boy who is promised something feels it. i feel hope with every breath i draw, with every hammer of blood through my veins.
i am whole. thank you, everyone that's made me that way, that's helped me get there. a little while back, i knew, i was whole. a strong, independant man.
and as though that feeling of finally attaining something i've sought for years wasn't enough, add to it opportunity. . .
opportunity to work in a professional theatre.
opportunity to once again have the lead in a show.
most importantly, an opportunity to perhaps share a bit of myself with someone
i am thankful for these gifts i have recieved. i say i am thankful because a younger man would not be. i have seen such gifts before, and i have seen them slip through my own fingers just as i have seen them slip through the fingers of my friends. i hold these opportunities, and my independence and strength, in the highest of regards. and so, with the respect due them, i am safe in feeling hope.
as a side note, i'm also completely giddy - irrational as it may seem, my interest has been sparked by someone i've met by chance, and it's set feeling in what once was a stone of a heart. i feel young again. an old, young man.
who knows what the future holds? but i cherish these moments, the ones on the brink of that unfolding, where so much hope is to be had; i am on the crest of a wave, like a statue on the bow of a ship, cutting through, riding the crest. the thrill is unbelievable. :D
cnn, HEADLINE PRIME, nancy grace [the bitch], has begun . . . analyzing myspace?!
what in the hell?
lewis black would be having an aneurysm
in the meantime, things are well. drinks go 'round the table. i'm short on cash, but i've got an interview at tar'je lined up for sunday morning. let's hope they hire me as a stock person, considering ups apparently counts as "extensive stock experience"
friday nights = nothing good on the tele. that's ridiculous. it's prime time, for christ's sake!
so i'm reduced to watching "famous dogfights" and trying not to pine for ffxii. damn you blockbuster. damn you to hell.